Somedays are great in my life. Other days.. not so much. Right now especially, as you noticed from my last post about boards and stress and studying. But sometimes it’s not just the stress of studying, it’s emotional too. From nervousness and anxiety as I worry about how I sound on the phone to heart wrenching feelings of empathy about life stories of other people.
I have to admit that it’s hard to be positive and not curl into that ball and cry when I have a bad day.
Now, normally I will be all excited and happy and proud of anything I create. When the stress and my emotional turmoil kick in, it’s harder for me to appreciate anything I’ve made. I look at it and go “gah.” If anyone else showed me what they made, I’d be super excited and totally supportive and think it was the best thing ever. Because they made it, and probably because it is the best thing ever. Heck, if you walk into my apartment, hanging on my wall is this gorgeous picture of dragons that my cousin drew. And I’m proud of that picture! I point it out to everyone who comes in. (Probably much to her embarrassment)
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I look at what I can do, and I just go “meh.” I find the flaws. I find areas to critique, things to make better. Because, nothing ever feels perfect to me. Oh, I’ll be happy at first when something comes out right, but later on, I won’t.
One of my friends and I were talking and he always tells me I beat myself up. It’s true, I do. I find all my flaws and sit there and tug and pull at them until all I want to do is stare at a wall and give up. Its draining in its own way because I personally get frustrated with myself.
I should be smarter, I should be better, I should KNOW this.
Should should should. These words flow from my thoughts and frustrate me and depress me constantly. Generally, I try not to let people see this side of me. The inside one that isn’t confident in what she’s doing. The one that sits there and wonders if people would notice if she just stopped doing x or y or whatever. The side that feels like her skin is peeling off from all the lashes of my own tongue.
When I do this, I shake my head and tell myself it’s okay. That I’ll get over it. That it’s normal. Maybe it is, but I know I’m way harder on myself than I deserve.
I need to tell myself that I’m not horrible and worthless (because I definitely feel that way sometimes. Especially with things I create: be it writing, crocheting, or singing)
I hope he doesn’t mind, but I want to post some of what he said to me on here. Because, I needed to be told it. I needed to hear it (well, read it since he lives a kazillion miles away.)
“Some might do things really well, but what you do is very specific and if you go for it, you will create something amazing. There’s people out there who are listening specifically for you – and they won’t know it, but if that goes unheard, the world will lose something. Something that feels really small but is actually insanely large”
Then later he said, “sometimes people just touch us, and we don’t know how or why, they just do. That’s why I’m always on about wavelength, because we need to hear these people. We need to feel that resonance, or we just sit in the dark like little fireflies with no lights.”
Thanks, Ikalx. I needed this.
The one thing I’m glad and thankful about is that I met these great people. Some, I met in person, others have solely been online friendships. But each and every one of those people are special because when I have a bad day, they remind me what is good about life. They remind me that I am indeed awesome and a science genius girl and that I am too hard on myself. I get messages randomly that make me giggle and smile.
If you are anything like me, don’t forget to tell yourself how awesome you are. Because you need to hear it, even if only from yourself. Well, if you need to hear it from someone else, I’ll let you know as well.
You are awesome. You have always been awesome. You will continue being awesome. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, extinguish the light of your brilliant, awesome, maybe crazy life.