When I started this blog, I told myself that I could make something every week.
and I did, generally.
Then we started back in school and clinic sessions started, and I realized how unbelievably close my boards are… and that I had signed up for a swap which I still haven’t sent my package out for, and its due in 6 days. >.< (Granted, everything in it is more or less done, beyond a couple of little things.. and picking some other things up at the store)
And things changed.
And I started to dread posting.
So, I showed you things that I had already, yarn and my grandma's blanket. Things that were still cool and I loved, but were not thing's I had made (not that I haven't made anything in the last few weeks, I have, it's just.. it's going towards the swap and I cannot show you until I send it, and I cannot send it until I have the rest of the pieces together. See, conundrum.) And this made me sad, because I felt I was letting you down, letting myself down. I have three or four unfinished projects sitting around, things I want to finish, but I just haven't yet because I felt like I owed you, and me, a new project.
Now, the rest of my life, I've been cutting out unnecessaries that have been stressing me out (and even some necessaries.. but that's another story) because every waking moment has been spent trying to prepare for boards.. when not in clinic that is.
But I kept at working on the swap, since I already committed myself to it. I told myself it's okay that my friend is coming the weekned before I take my test, because I love her, and she's awesome, and I will need the break. I said, "hey.. it's okay to watch this show because you put in some good work today."
And then I realized I wasn't really cutting anything out, I was just telling myself I was. (Well, I stopped cooking, but luckily I have a mother who drove across the state to come cook for me because she wanted to see me and she heard how upset I've been lately.. yumm.. left overs! and I tend to stop cooking anyways even when nothing is stressing me out because I hate cleaning up after cooking)
That's when I realized I still dreaded posting. I dreaded talking about boards here. "No one will get it," I said. "No one will care."
But… It's my darn blog. if I wanna post that omg, I'm freaking out because my scores on the practice tests aren't getting better they are getting worse, then I should.
Anyway, I am alive over here. I'm panicked. I'm stressed. I want to curl in a ball and cry and scream my lungs out at the same time. All the while, I keep trying to convince myself, it's worth it. All this studying. All this stress. It'll be worth it. Telling yourself this and not seeing results doesn't seem to mean anything.. at least to me.
But then I had a patient where I took away the pain (toothache) and in that momemt, I realized that yes, this is what I want to do. And yeah, the studying, the stress, the screaming/crying/leave me alone/hug me feelings all at the same time are worth it. That in the end, I will be able to do what I wanted to do, and that is make people feel better.
Maybe that's what I wanted to do with this blog too. I wanted to bring some sunshine and happiness into the world. I wanted to wave pretty colorful things above my head and go "look at it and be happy cause it is silly!" I want to inspire people.
And.. I did. In my own little way, I already have. One of my friends started crocheting and learned how to make creatures because of me. Because I showed her some of my stuff and I sent her a dragon I made. Another blogger made a mini toothless and used my eye pattern (granted, she changed it, but I change patterns all the time too, just because something that works for one person might not work for you.) Another friend is blogging regularly and takes my advice seriously, instead of treating me how I treat myself (I think of myself as ridiculous and not worthy of a good thought.)
And.. In a way, that makes me really happy and really excited because they are good things going out into the world.
For the next few weeks, the countdown inside my head is booming louder and louder. I just need to remind myself to keep putting good out into the world. Make people happy, take them out of pain, if I can. Make the world better. Even if it's in a silly way with a silly post that lists things I love, it's still might make someone's day. It still might inspire someone. Heck, it makes me happy looking at all the Links and going "I will make you someday!" XD
With that, dear friends, I ask you to put good thoughts out into the world. Make the world better in any possible way you can. If you can make someone's day brighter, do it. Tell people you love them, or you like their work. Don't forget to treat yourself well, either.
Anyway, have a great week.